I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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