You're my little dorito
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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