I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize