life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
