Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
