I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
