i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
