Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
