Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
