Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
