Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
