sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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