I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
