he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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