Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
