it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
