I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
