i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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