you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
