I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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