i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
