where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
