i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
