I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
