I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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