These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
