my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You made out with two different species that night
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
