Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize