addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize