Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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