Dude my mom stole all your condoms
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
