Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
