sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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