I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
