wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
