i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
