he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
