The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
