Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
