i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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