Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
