i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
