I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
