Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
