last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
