I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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