when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
