just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Randomize
