Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
