My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
