I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
