i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
