She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
