she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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