I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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