i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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