if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm having to shit out rocks
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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