Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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