Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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