How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
