I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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