I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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