I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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