I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
