i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
