don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
