i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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