I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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