yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
